Life in Loss & Grief.

There has been a sense of “heavy” on our hearts lately. There are seasons that we enter and as my husband told a group of grieving teachers this week… “The only way through- is through." Oh, how that trip “through” is so hard.

"Loss" has been a good summary for our past few months. August began with the loss of the most influential person of my life. My mam-maw was for no better term, a “saint” of the Lord. Not that she was perfect, but she lived a life that bled into other people’s lives. There were neighbors, post office people, nurses, church youth who are now grown adults, and her family all there to remember the vast impact that she had had on every person's life. One small 4ft 11” woman... and yet her influence was enormous in the role she played in so many people’s lives, relative or not. What was so great about Mam-maw is that she was Mam-maw to every single person she met. She was generous, and I can’t remember a single memory of my past without her there for it all. She was about to celebrate her 93^rd birthday and was ready to meet her Savior… Yet for me, it was still a huge portion of my life that I was not ready to let go.

This week, our community school faced significant loss as well.  They lost a colleague, friend, and teacher. If that wasn’t hard enough, the school experienced more loss when a young girl took her own life ending her Junior year in high school and the rest of her life prematurely.  

Getting “through” is sometimes the part where we stand at the doorframe to loss and don’t want to enter. We want to bypass the door completely, deny there is a path through, and hope for a quick “round about” to keep us from feeling such strong emotions of loss and pain.

No matter how fast you run or walk in avoidance to the loss, it will always catch up to you. It is just a matter of time when it will find you and force you “through”. 

I am reminded every September 2^nd of the loss of a spouse to adultery and his choice to walk away from the kids and I. Every year it is a reminder of the life lost because of one person’s choices. That choice resulted in a lifetime of loss for my children and for myself as holidays and events come and go.  We grieve the very person who should have shared these milestones. It is also loss of the future that was birthed the day we said “I do”. 

It also is a reminder of the “going through” process. I stand amazed every anniversary that the kids and I are “through”. We see the past as hurdles and obstacles but also cherrish great victory as we have crossed the ribbon at the end!  It is a reminder of many treasures and rewards that we have received by walking through the dark door of loss.  It is “through” this experience I have found great treasures, illuminated by God. He continues to pull us in and show us even greater riches. This is the work that is “greater than we can ever imagine” that he speaks of.

Neil Anderson brought this to “light” as I was reading his book Victory Over the Darkness… John declared. “In Him was life, and the life was the light of men” (John 1:4).   I paused as I reread the passage.  This time it began to reveal something to me that I had been misreading before. I had always thought that Jesus was “light”…. But what the verse says is that,  “In Jesus was “LIFE” and that “LIFE” was the light of men.  I paused because I have always read this backwards. I always translated it this verse like this: In Jesus, he was light therefore he had life.

You may wonder why this matters. Often we stand at the door of loss and grief and say, “Where Lord is your light in this darkness?" We assume that Jesus is our light in darkness, and when life is dark- we get a sense of him being distant or void. In fact, what if he wants us to not look for His light at all? What if he wants us to remember that “light” isn’t really what he wants us to find look for in our darkness? 

It is “Life”.   

He wants us to find “life” in the midst of the valley of the shadow of death. Our hope in God fills us with “Life” even in the midst of loss in death.  That ultimately is the switch to the “lights” that will then illuminate the path through.  Many things look like light, but it is the life in Christ that ultimately lights the way.

A few weeks ago we celebrated as a family and for us as couple a new life that was going to our first child together. Andy & I were over the moon, when the big “YES” came up on our pregnancy test! We celebrated!! We bought an adorable robe and slipper set with the most adorable little whale on the pocket. (gushing over the cuteness) This was a "celebration gift" for our newest member of our family a baby that in 8 months  would be ours to hold and to cherish and to love. Andy loves to sport his robe and slippers all around the house and it is his preferred choice of clothing. So it felt like the perfect way to celebrate the news.

There looms such a conflict about “when” to celebrate a child/pregnancy publicly. A friend reminded me today that every pregnancy and life is worth celebrating, regardless of the timeframe. We ultimately choose to celebrate our news early with our parents, siblings and close friends. It was great joy for us to share the news of our baby on the way! We believed God for great things and wanted to share his gift with the people we loved. It was amazing to share this with Andy’s mom as this was her first experience hearing that her son was going to have his first baby! The excitement and extreme joy over this life, was amazing to witness as each sibling burst into tears of happiness for the expectant life we all already dearly loved. 

For whatever reason, shortly after celebrating life, the pregnancy failed.  I am not a fan of the term “miscarry”. I feel it makes me feel as if I “miss” carried this precious life I so longed to see hold and cherish.  Women rarely talk about the loss of pregnancy. Our culture is very vocal about the abortion issue yet remains very quiet and hidden when a tiny forming life is lost to a passionate mother & father wanting nothing more than birthing their new baby. 

I sat alone in our small cottage expecting that at any moment what was greatly expected would be passing from me without my control. Everything in you as a person fights for life, even when it is ending. We go to great lengths to save our self from harm. It is true for a mother carrying a child. We fight for them as much as we would fight for our own life. I sat in our small bathroom, tears flowing down my cheeks at the reality that I could do nothing to save what I cherished so much,  this little life that was to be our first "Baby Bautz". 

I sat there thinking had this been one of our other 4 children life would have stopped completely for a while. We would have had a funeral, time to grieve, and a service to share their “life” with others. This kind of loss was deeper than I had expected. We are still overwhelmed with great sadness as we have to wait to meet our first child together. We both have been staring at the door of loss and to be honest… we didn’t want to walk through. My heart was shattered with the overwhelming disappointment. It still is heavy, and I often want to find a way to go around the pain. In one moment, we were celebrating  the gift of  “Life”, planning in a season of expecting great things.  In the next moment, starting down a path of death, loss…and waiting.

A.W. Tozer wrote about the period between the resurrection of Christ and the coming of the Holy Spirit. The disciples had just witnessed the crucifixion of Jesus.  They rejoiced in his resurrection only to discover his preparation to leave again and reunite with his Father. Imagine the disappointment.  Tozer explains this process for disciples as   “a short period, which intervened between our Lord’s resurrection and down-coming of the Holy Ghost." 

He continues to explain that the Lord’s command to the disciples was to  “Tarry!”; or linger in expectation for “greater” things to come.  He goes on to say, “You are about to receive that which has been promised. Your expectations are about to be fulfilled, your hopes realized. Therefore, don’t do anything until it comes.”

Tozer goes on to say something that has been profound for this time of loss and grief for Andy and I.  It felt discouraging for us to have been moving forward toward our desire to expand our family with a baby only to be put in a holding  pattern. We felt as if we had made progress and then were moved back, paralyzed and not going anywhere in the direction we had hoped.  Tozer encourages us by saying , “I might say here that sometimes you are going farther when you are not going anywhere; you are moving faster when you are not moving at all; you are learning more when you think you have stopped learning.”

Here we are…. Standing still at the doorframe of loss- and I believe God is okay if we “tarry", with expectation. God recognizes our delay and waits for us to seek his strength to walk “through”. He wants us linger in His presence and to expect great things. It is in our lingering that He will encompass us with “Life”. When we are full of Him, it automatically begins flipping on the switches to light up the dark path that we must venture through.

Today, I want to linger with  great expectation with everyone going through loss and grief.  Be reminded that when we are standing at the doorframe of loss and grief that Jesus is our “LIFE”. It is in him we can still be "living" while feeling the immense pain of the death and loss in our lives. 

In deed,  the only way through is through. The treasure we truly find in darkness is LIFE in the midst of death. It is our hope in a Savior that didn’t leave us alone but said,  “Tarry, expect greater things…” And thus, He sent us the Holy Spirit to fill us with His Life in his absence; creating light for us to pass through the darkest of situations with the greatest anticipation of things to come.

 

Is God for us?

Each of us, find ourselves going through battles. Some are bigger than others. Sometimes it’s battles with life's circumstances, and sometimes like it or not we find ourselves in opposition with one another.

A few months ago I found myself on a huge battlefield facing my opposition. Knees shaking and wobbling as I approached the front line I couldn’t help but hear the lyrics….

 “Our God, Our God… And if our God is for us, the who could ever stop us… And if God is with us, then what can stand against? And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us…”

As I stood singing the lyrics and processing the battle I was in with my opposition… I began to wonder...

God are you for me? Are you on my team? Will you ensure victory?

I admit sadly I was struggling with the fact that the actions of someone that "claimed" to be a Christian was in fact my opposition. My thoughts felt harsh because I wondered... Is my enemy standing and worshiping in another church singing this very same song? Are you for them? How? When they aren't standing for your truth?

Oh God… how do you balance this when your opposition is claiming you as their God too? How can you be for me? And be for them? Wow, Amy that is pretty harsh… but as ridiculous as my thoughts were it was my heart’s cry. I wanted him to answer me.  

I thought to myself God you have to be on my team right?

That week I had been reading through Joshua… I saw Joshua getting ready to begin his battle with the enemy.  I felt relieved that when an angel of the Lord approached Joshua, he was shaking in his boots too… And you know what!

Even before Joshua got to the angel, out of his anxiety for securing his victory, he yells from afar…

"Are you for us, or for our adversaries?" 

Joshua was wondering the same thing I had.

 If we are all your children Lord… then who’s team are you on?

Mine or theirs?

The angel replied…. “Neither.” 

And there it was… it was so simple.  In my humility, my question had been answered.

He is on neither.

I began to surrender to God my new revelation. Just as Joshua did that day, I too, fell on on my face and worshiped God, and cried out to him.... tell me servant of you Lord, where to take my position. 

God doesn’t pick what team he is on.

He is the team.

We are the ones who choose what team we are on.

In the midst of opposition as we stand for truth, we are often discouraged and feel overwhelmed by our enemies. I am not sure God was telling Joshua that day... I am for your team nothing can stop you…  I believe God was telling him…. Be on my team Joshua, fight for truth with me.  Defend what I stand for, and love what I love. When you choose to be on my team you will be strong and courageous, and your coach the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. If we choose to follow his plan and be obedient in all that he asks, according to his word. Then as it says in Joshua 1:8 "Then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success."

It was in that moment that I realized I had placed my importance above God. I have no team. Team Amy… would have been eliminated the moment I stepped onto the field. But I also realized that I had given to much importance on my opposition as well.  They don’t have a team either.

There is one team.

We deceive ourselves when we formulate our own team for a selfish victory. We will fail every time.

My prayers in the front line began to change.

Dear Lord,

Position me God on this battlefield, this is your team not mine. Let me fight for truth and for your glory so that your plan will succeed.  Just as you have given me victory by being on your team, I ask that you speak to my opposition. Allow them to know that there is one team.  Remind them they have a role here on your team. Push them to join. Show them the position you would have them play. Allow their hearts to be open to join you in this victory.

Amen.

My opposition had the same choice. To choose to be on God’s team. Victory is guaranteed with Him. But sadly and too often we place, like I did, too much importance on ourselves and in our plan that we think we have a battle to win for ourselves.

As Joshua and his people crossed over a parted water to their adversaries land it says that the enemies melted in fear. It says they instantly lost the spirit of hope for their fight. When we form selfish teams under our names we are setup for failure. Our source of courage and spirit of victory is lost. But for Joshua who chose to be on God’s team…. He was promised that the enemy would be handed over to them.

Rahab is a perfect example of the choice that God gives to us. She had every reason to follow the enemy and to choose to selfishly oppose God. She could have picked "her" team. Rahab knew that God had called her to a position on his team and guaranteed her victory through her obedience. God allows us to all be on his team and to fight for his Glory. We can choose to fight against the plan of the Lord or we can be for him.

Our courageous spirit and victory is a guarantee when we choose to ask God where he would have us stand. Sometimes it will be on the front line and other times he may have us running out water bottles to others fighting and he even may say rest my strong warrior. Whatever position he asks of us, we are his to use. We can surrender ourselves to fight the good fight as his player or we can create and make our own team knowing though that we immediately will feel the spirit of his power leave us… it will be us and us alone. We will know only fear and all courage will be lost.

I was reminded that there is no "Team Amy". To remember that each battle is according to his plan, and what position he is asking me to play. Our prayer for our adversary is to change their hearts like Rahab, so that victory can be for all and for God's glory.

Coffee Shop God....

Most of you know me well enough that coffee is in my hand most days. Andy makes fun of me for getting my Venti Iced Americano that I savor and make last most of the day... that is until my second cup of coffee is in order. :) I love finding my spot at a coffee shop...local or chain, grabbing my coffee and my Bible and sitting and inviting God join me. Many times it's as if he is sitting in front of me opening up scripture and passages that will lead and guide me for the day.

We have had many moments here.

We meet often.

Churches have even caught on to this companion, friend God that meets with you along side your cup of coffee. We have made God accessible to us as our coffee shop friend. He is a great one.  But I also have friends that I do the same thing with. I meet, chat, and drink my coffee.

We laugh...we talk....

For a while now I have had some large obstacles in front of me. I went as usual to meet with my God. I got my coffee and positioned my Bible and got situation and for a moment stared in the empty chair on the other side of the table....

All the thoughts of what is ahead felt like a enormous sea of crashing waves that I must cross through. I was afraid. I was unsure and felt out of control of all that was ahead. From my view ahead the crashing waves are fierce it seems there is no way through.

I sat thinking about this empty chair across from me. Remembering all the talks and discoveries I have had with my Coffee Shop God.  But I felt like there was something missing...

I opened up that morning to Exodus 14. The story of the Red Sea.

After years of slavery and oppression, the Israelites are lead into freedom by Moses. God is leading them by day and night, showing them each step they must make. He chooses a journey for them and it wasn't the short cut route. It was the scenic route through the dessert. Not only was the journey long, but God even tells Moses, his crazy plan. He says to Moses.... "So I hardened Pharaoh's heart, and well he is coming, and pursuing you with his whole fleet of men."

In that moment I could relate to Moses. Really God? You decided to harden his heart so he would come after me? Thanks for that!  I am sure fear and terror flooded Moses with all he had to overcome.

⁸ The Lord hardened the heart of Pharaoh king of Egypt, so that he pursued the Israelites, who were marching out boldly. 

I paused.  

Here I was... sitting and reflecting on my rescue from oppression but the journey ahead... well that was unknown.  I wanted to be like the Israelites, and say at least I knew what to expect as a slave! 

Moses responded: 

¹³ Moses answered the people, “Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. ¹⁴ The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still.”

I paused again. 

Who was this God that Moses served. Because my empty chair where my Coffee shop God sat felt incomplete. 

²¹ Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and all that night the Lord drove the sea back with a strong east wind and turned it into dry land. The waters were divided, ²² and the Israelites went through the sea on dry ground, with a wall of water on their right and on their left.

I stopped reading for a moment. A thought occurred to me. Though I had enjoyed my Coffee Shop God moments, and lived in His presences as he sat in that chair across from me... I realized I had positioned him all wrong.

I needed the God of Moses. The powerful God who was capable of parting the Red Sea. 

I needed Eloheem.

I had God sitting in my coffee shop chair for too long. I realized in that moment I needed the All Powerful God. The God who parted the red sea. I was embarrassed to some degree that I had lowered him to my coffee shop chair.

Coffee Shop God may give me the feel good cozy moments and fill my "cup"...but that is only a part of who he is. Not all.

I realized yes, God's presence and my chats with him over coffee are still a huge part of my relationship with him. My problem is I had "humanized" him. I took away his supernatural and powerful qualities... His LORDSHIP over my life and over the raging sea that stands in front of me.

What I needed to do was to fall on my knees in awe of Him and his presence in my life. I was reminded of that this past Sunday at church, when Pastor Jeff challenged us to abide in Christ. It is by living in the awe of his presence that we are held together.

"He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17

As I sat and stared at the empty seat across from me, I made a choice.... I decided it was time I remove him from my coffee shop chair and gave him back his rightful throne.

Lord over my life.

He is  Eloheem.

Mighty and Powerful God.

 It is by his presence and his power that he holds all things together. He is the God that saved David from the Giant, He is the God that kept lions from devouring the faithful, he is the God that overcame death... He is the God that parted the Red Sea.

As I see the crashing waves I know with confidence that he will part the waters... He is powerful, now I must walk in his presence through the crashing waves trusting I will not drown...

When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, Nor will the flame burn you. 3"For I am the LORD your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

Isaiah 43:3 

I am humbled. 

The God I serve is more than just my companion and friend.

 He is my LORD.

 He must remain high and lifted up. 

On His throne. 

 He is all powerful.

 He is everything.... and holds everything together.

 Including ME.

Running a race....for the harvest.

Fall is one of my favorite seasons. I love the perfect mix of cooler weather and warm weather. I love being able to wear my flip flops and sweaters at the same time! Fall creates an intensity that paints the trees with colors and is highlighted by the rich saturated blue sky. Fall is also special to me because I have many memories sitting on the gynormous tires of the combine. We would eat a picnic supper my mom packed for us to share with my dad while he was out in the fields for harvest.  I would make laps with him in the combine and always loved getting to flip the switch that would allow all the grain to dump into the semi truck.

Crops go through crazy weather conditions. It endures spring floods, it burns in the summer sun, it is tossed and blown in storms and even shredded at times as hail beats it down. But every fall after all it has endured, there is a harvest. 

We all go through seasons in our lives where it feels more like we are running a race. Some are longer and shorter than others. A mini marathon, a triathlon, an iron man... For me I  have been in a season of endurance like I have never had to run...

I have felt like I have about drown at times.

I have felt scorched and burnt.

I have felt tossed and thrown aside.

I have felt beaten down.

 I have stopped to grab a drink from time to time.  I have seen side markers where I thought the finish line was going to be swaying in the wind with cheering and shouting fans yelling at me! Then when I take that turn... and listen for the cheering.... and look ahead.... 

I see nothing but more road. 

The race is not over. 

The finish line that I had expected.... says 20 more miles.

I am tired. 

I am weary. 

Lately I have been craving the finish line. Or rather the harvest from a harsh and rough season. I have imagined the celebration and can taste the victory and reward.

      1Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. 2We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.^aBecause of the joy^b awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. 3Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people;^c then you won’t become weary and give up. 

Hebrews 12:1

God has shown me lately, that instead of fixing my eyes on Jesus I was so focused with how much more I had to run.  He says focus on me. I am cheering you on with a great crowd of witnesses. Don't give up! RUN! The weight for me has been my inability to take my eyes off of the completion of the season.  Satan distracts us with harsh conditions sometimes. He even creates mirages that tend to bring the finish line closer than it really is to discourage and distort the real race we are running. He wants us to give up on the prize or distracts us from what the real prize is.

⁷ Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. ⁸ Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. ⁹ Let us not become weary in doing good,for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 

Galations 6:7-9

As I drive down the country road and see the dust rolling from the fields I am reassured that harvest is near. We must continue to focus our eyes on God's goodness and his love for us. What I have realized is that I already have the reward. The prize is already mine. Harvest has come!  Flipping the grain switch and watching the harvest fall into the truck wasn't my favorite part of harvest... That wasn't the real reward.  It was sitting with my father in the combine every fall.... he was the harvest. The great moments of sitting next to him, laughing, helping and being with him. That was my favorite part of harvest. He was my reward. He was a harvest of memories and talks that are priceless. Such is the same for this season of my life. The reward isn't running through the tape at the end of the finish line... it's running the race with the prize himself. It's the constant cheering and encouraging God gives me as I make the next turn. It is in moments when I trip and fall he is the prize that picks me up and tells me to keep running. 

His love... his presence in the midst of the race.... he is the real harvest.

Him running  the race with me... that is the prize.

Glow in the dark.

A few weeks ago, Awan and I made our last summer morning trip together to grab Starbucks. The time in the car is what I love more than my coffee... I love looking over and seeing Awan sit as the co-pilot in the front managing the worship choices from my iPod.

 It is a time of reflection, 

we laugh, 

we dance, 

we worship, 

we cry, 

we listen,

 we talk,

 but most of all we grow. 

The end of this summer has different meaning for us... 

It ends not just the end of the summer season but it ends a year of "firsts". 

I am amazed as I think back to a year ago. Life was very different. We would have just entered the week we would say was one of the darkest of our lives. It was a road we had no idea we would all have to travel together. It was a year ago that everything changed.  Our lit road became very dark.

I looked at Awan and smiled at her and took her hand... and said, "What a year."

I asked her how she would want to celebrate or remember this past year. I sometimes am unexpectedly surprised by her responses... they are childlike, but rich in truth and knowledge well beyond her years.

She smiled back at me with a huge grin. 

We should have a "Glow in the Dark" party Mom!

Tragedy comes to us when we experience great loss. 

It's unexpected.

It's not something we can prepare for or prevent.

It just happens.

Tragedy often ushers in darkness, and what we know about darkness.... it makes things hard to see. 

Or so I thought. 

God separated light and darkness in the very beginning. He declared that light was good.  He placed the sun the in position so that his light would always be present in darkness with it's reflection from the moon. 

Our story of tragedy is dark. 

Truth brings to light the darkness we blindly live in at times. 

 It is painful but freeing. 

 “I will go before you and make the rough places smooth;

            I will shatter the doors of bronze and cut through their iron bars.

 I will give you the treasures of darkness

            And hidden wealth of secret places,

            So that you may know that it is I,

            The LORD, the God of Israel, who calls you by your name."

Isaiah 45:2-5

He has done this very thing. In the unforeseen places hidden in darkness comes not tragedy... but treasure.

Walking through betrayal of two very loved people, loss of relationships, future and past memories.... you think to yourself in that very moment... life changed. This is dark. There can't be light let alone treasure. But to my surprise there are hidden gems awaiting our discovery in the darkest of times.


God has revealed his hidden treasure to me. 

The first being His unfailing love. 

It was in the song "Always" that says it best:


Oh, my God, He will not delay

My refuge and strength always

I will not fear, His promise is true

My God will come through always, always

God surprised me with His love through His people. 


I remember thinking in a time that I should feel unloved and abandoned, "Why do I feel more loved than I have ever been?"


God was using his people to show me his lavish love for me as his hurting daughter.


I remember sitting outside the coffee shop last fall one day and a lady who I had never seen before came up to me. With a smile hugged me and said, "I am suppose to tell you I love you." She got in her car and left. It was in the faithful God followers like this lady that was obedient to what God was at work doing. He wanted me to know he had not abandoned me. I was loved. She obeyed a simple act that God used to show me his radical love for me. I am grateful to her for her faithfulness. 


His people were there to deliver me to my parents the day things fell apart. He was there when a friend chose to forgo her seat with her husband at church to befriend me and make me feel loved every Sunday from the pew. He was there when over 40 people gave up their weekend to move me and the kids out of our house. He was there loving me & the kids through my parents when they opened their house and life to us for two months to heal and to figure out what was next. He was there in endless notes, phone calls, texts of people sharing their encouragement, sadness and hope of God's promises with me. He was there every time I ordered my coffee and the Starbucks Crew would say Good Morning Amy... Little did they know they were covering the role my husband once played. Simple maybe. Good Morning Amy. But for me it meant the world. It was God oozing his love into me. His treasure is His people. It was him opening up their time and watching the kids even while they were dealing with hurt themselves. His love was in the Thursday evening dinner meals prepared for me and the kids along with adult conversation provided by his people. Many have ushered healing and hope to me this past year and I am forever grateful for their love and allowing God to use them to uncover his treasure for me.


His unfailing love. 


God's word has always been something that has been apart of my life. I remember sitting on my parents front porch when I was just a freshman in high school.  Tears were falling down my cheeks and I found myself crying out to God. I was still believing on the foundation of my parents faith at that time. He used that moment to lay my own foundation in Him and my desire to choose Him for me. I remember asking God for a promise. I was just a 15 year old girl broken and agonizing about the future of my Mom’s life. I was unsure if she would be able to win her battle with breast cancer. My mom has always been one of the most important people in my life. The thought of continuing life as a teenager without my Mom broke me. 

 I was searching for understanding and answers. I sat on that step looking out across the farm where I grew up and saw the sky getting darker and drop by drop the rain started hitting the porch step where I was sitting. I threw my face in my hands and cried out for God to promise me that my Mom would be okay.  I needed Him to give me strength to continue the hard journey and give me assurance that He had it covered.  I was asking Him but not really believing He would answer me.

As I took my face out of my hands and looked up over my parent’s pond... there it was.

A double rainbow stretched over the entire farm. I laughed as more tears began to fall from me like the rain hitting the steps. I knew He had given me a promise.

She would live.

At the beginning of this summer in our addition they started building a house across the street. And each day the progress looked slow. I wondered...What do they do all day out there? The ground doesn’t look much different than it did just a few days ago.

Zadyn loves construction and anything that has to do with building. He took a spot just at the end of the driveway so he could just watch and make conversation with the workers. He knows how to build a house now just by watching them! I made my observation that not much was taking place. 

He responded to me, “Mom, It takes lots of work to get ready for the house. The ground has to be just right.”

I realized his observation had been better than mine. The moving and shifting of the dirt seems a little pointless, but it is the preparation of the ground that makes for a great foundation for a house to be built.

My faith and trust in the God I love has been the same process. The ground and dirt sometimes are shifted back and forth and the preparation for the foundation is being made. 

I have seen lately how God is pouring the foundation of my love and belief in Him out of his promises.

God is revealing to me that His promises are a declaration assuring he has it covered. That his promises are true. They do not fail.

Not one of all the LORD's good promises to the house of Israel failed; every one was fulfilled.   Joshua 21:45

There are times when we ask God for confirmation of security in his plan for our life. Sometimes I think our requests may even be out of doubt that progress is happening in the faith building process.

I think Gideon asked for his confirmation for God’s future plan out of doubt progress was happening.

A year ago...once again I sat on the same porch steps that I had asked for confirmation for my Mom again tears streaming down my face with the new reality that two people I loved dearly had betrayed my trust and walked out of my life and broken major promises.

I thanked God for the promise he had answered 19 years later... that my Mom did win her battle over cancer. That she was there to embrace me and her grandkids in a time in our life where we were yet again fighting a huge life battle together. In my desperation and loss I prayed a similar prayer. Partially out of my doubt my life could be restored and healing could take place.

I prayed and asked for God to promise me he would heal my heart and life. That he would restore me and my kids with life and love again. And then felt silly for such a prayer. I knew a huge piece of me was praying and crying out in disbelief that the devastation would ever go away.

Embarrassed by my doubt & disbelief, I reluctantly told my Mom my prayer for confirmation. She smiled and reached for her morning devotions. It talked about how it is through our asking God for promises that he pours the foundation for our belief and trust in him to build us new.

The next day I was driving to what was going to be our new house for a new start. I could see our new housing addition in view. It had been dreary and raining most of the day and I was listening to worship music and just trying to wrap my head around all the changes that had flooded me. For about 60 seconds a stream of sunlight broke free from the clouds near by and almost directly above our new house was a rainbow. Poor Samiah was sleeping in the back seat and awoke abrasively by my shouting and cheering as Awan just stared at me like I had lost my mind! She looked at me and said, “Mom... it’s just a rainbow.”  I remember smiling at her and saying... "No. It is so much more Awan. 

It’s a promise."

"A promise from a God that brings restoration and healing and love to His children."

In Genesis 8:8-17 God says to Noah he will never destroy the earth with a flood. He was confirming that a new promise was put in place to establish restoration and new life and goodness for His people.

I remember getting home ready to share the news with my mom that God had given me confirmation that my life and healing would be restored. And at that very moment I started to question God’s confirmation. Doubting that the rainbow was for me. 

I think I said..."Well... I don’t know if it was for me or not..... but I did see a rainbow today. "

Awan took over the conversation that day at the dinner table and started to replay my response in the car to the rainbow. Clapping and dancing while mock driving and yelling, " OH MY THERE IS A RAINBOW!, AHHHH!!! There is a RAINBOW!!!"  She did this with frantic hand motions and a reenactment of Samiah's startling wake up! She looked ridiculous and I am sure it was very close to my reaction. Just as she was finishing and I was relaying my doubt in the confirmation. A friend sent a facebook message to me that said...

“Don’t be afraid.... just believe.” 

 

There are times in my journey it’s easy to get overwhelmed and uneasy about the changes and uncertainty about the future. But I trust the God who wants to establish his Promises with his Children. It is through his promises that we begin to trust in his truth. 

Isaiah 54 talks about the abandoned wife. And includes the promise of the rainbow and his promise to restore his people. Not just with simple dry wall but with precious stones of turquoise and gems.  God was again promising me that he doesn't just restore things to patch them back together, or provide basic dry wall...he creates it new again.

Better than before... with his treasures.

Zadyn proclaimed a truth to me that day. The foundation was being made, even though it wasn't visible he believed a house was going to be built. It was my unbelief that was hindering me from seeing that very clear promise. It took him proclaiming truth for me to see that indeed he was right.

Praise be to the LORD, who has given rest to his people Israel just as he promised. Not one word has failed of all the good promises he gave through his servant Moses. May the LORD our God be with us as he was with our fathers; may he never leave us nor forsake us. May he turn our hearts to him, to walk in all his ways and to keep the commands, decrees and regulations he gave our fathers. 59And may these words of mine, which I have prayed before the LORD, be near to the LORD our God day and night, that he may uphold the cause of his servant and the cause of his people Israel according to each day's need, so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the LORD is God and that there is no other. But your hearts must be fully committed to the LORD our God, to live by his decrees and obey his commands, as at this time." 

1 Kings 8:56-61

 Your promises have been thoroughly tested, and your servant loves them. 

Psalm 119:140

I rise before dawn and cry for help; I have put my hope in your word. My eyes stay open through the watches of the night that I may meditate on your promises. Hear my voice in accordance with your love; preserve my life, O LORD, according to your laws. My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life. 

Psalm 119:147-150

For no matter how many promises God has made, they are "Yes" in Christ. And so through him the "Amen" is spoken by us to the glory of God. Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come. 

2 Corinthians 1:20-22

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Hebrews 10:23-24

  

His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires. For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. 

Peter 1:3-7

  

God’s way is perfect. All the Lord’s promises prove true. He is a shield for all who look to him for protection. 

Psalm 18:30

God has revealed a hidden treasure to me. It is the beautiful treasure of his promises. I saw them hidden in the dark. Even in a time where I was questioning his ability to build. I didn't see progress just shifting and slow movement....

Now when I go out the back door to put the trash out and look across the street at what was just a few weeks ago a pile of dirt and bricks...

Today..... there stands a house.

Allowing God to prove His promises are true in my life and claiming them as truth, means I am allowing him to shift the dirt even when little progress seems evident. It is in his promises and when I declare that his promises are true, that I start to see that he is building a strong foundation for me to rely on. It is by His Word, through His Promises that He begins movement and preparation for my foundation of faith in Him.

Today he may be preparing the foundation but soon...

He will build a house.


God's very word is now the air I breath. His promises lead me forward. They embrace me when I feel all hope is gone. It is by his word that life goes on. In the darkness I found his word and his promises a real treasure in the darkness that not only gives me hope for the future but gives me life.  


His word is truth. In the midst of great darkness and a flood of hurt and pain. Truth has been my power and strength. When evil tries to lie to me about God's promises, it is his word that defends me, protects me. 




I am not sure how long I lived in the deceit of what I thought was real. It was then that I was was the darkness. But once truth broke through it illuminated things so I could see. It was truth that made me acknowledge the darkness I was already apart of and enduring. 


On my way into town last week it was super foggy. There was a small round spot in the fog that got brighter and brighter and brighter.... till finally it broke through.... light. Darkness makes things foggy. It's hard to see clearly. But once truth and light is added it breaks through all barriers to flood through. 


His promises have been a priceless treasure in the midst of great darkness. It is by his word that truth has turned on the light. 


There are treasures that are hidden in dark places. What a surprise to me one year later. Not only have I seen the treasure of his people showing me his unfailing love. But experienced his word living and breathing in me as truth floods through all the darkness around me. 

There is still one more treasure...

Life.

Gandhi said, "Where there is love there is life." 

"Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear."

1 John 4:18

I never expected a journey of darkness to lead me here. One year out.... I am happy. Life is bright. I love my life. I love the four crazy treasures that make up my world. I have been richly blessed. 


There is a song called "Worn." 


Let me see redemption win


Let me know the struggle ends


That you can mend a heart


That’s frail and torn


I wanna know a song can rise


From the ashes of a broken life

The real treasure is that in the midst of losing my life... I have found it. 

Life means loving without fear. It means that I live each day in love with the God who wants fullness for my life. Not happiness.  There are things that still make life uncertain, unclear, hard, but my life is full of His love. I see it reducing all of these things and flooding light where it gets dark.

I have seen how his redemption and his plan never fails. Even in the moments when we think it has.... he has it covered. 

I have experienced his treasure and gift of love. And his generous love for me by allowing me the gift and treasure of falling in love again. God has blessed me with an amazing man, one who shows me Godly love. Just last night he came home and was greeted by Miah Miah who thinks "DD" aka (Andy) is a famous person... well... I guess he is to us all.We even fight for the empty space next to him on the sofa. In which I lost the other night and went crashing to the floor. Awan however celebrated with a victory dance and close snuggles next to him.  

After a long weekend away and a busy week Miah Miah was ready to play and embrace his love for her. She was excited for him to see her slide down her 2 foot slide... in which he decided to lay on the slide part. She happily climbed up on top looked at him and said "OFF DD!"  He remained  still with a giggle. She smiled and with a huge grin and without hesitation dove into his lap from the top of the slide. I couldn't help but to see her surrender to his love. Her complete confidence and ability to jump into his arms with no fear.

She knew.... He had her covered.

He would catch her. 

What a perfect illustration of God's love for me. He treasures me. His only desire for me is to accept his love and dive into his arms when I am uncertain what to do next. 

In the midst of uncertain times he is laying below me, giggling... and still. He knows he will catch me. 

He has it covered.

Not only is God showing me how perfect love in him has no fear. He has sent me a gem. A beautiful treasure in the dark. One I never expected to find on this journey. 

He has given me love. Not just his love but has redeemed and restored what real love means to me.

There is a beautiful song rising from the ashes of what was burnt to the ground. God is rebuilding me and my life with love and reminding me that perfect love has no fear. Andy is a huge gem that he has placed in the darkness that has illuminated God's love for me in my life as well as the kids. We are grateful for God's rich treasures. That he loves to  surprise us with his gems when we least expect it! 

It is through God's love for us that he can restore and rebuild. He takes the darkest part of our lives, and reaches in with his people, his promises, and his extra generous perks (because he is crazy about us) and turns the light on as we pass through dark times. 

Awan was right. 

This is a celebration...

A glow in the dark kind! 

We have walked through great darkness... yes... 

but we were glowing while we walked. 

  

The god of brilliant lights 

 Is shining down over us 

Breaking through the darkness 

Covering all the earth 

Oooh, his love is like an ocean 

Oooh, forever overflowing 

The god of brilliant lights is shining over us 

 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.

James 1:17

He has given us hidden treasures. They are beautiful gems that are sparkling in the dark. 

They have illuminated not just our path through the darkness. 

They have illuminated us.