Loss & Fear: What we get to choose....

"As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation -- either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course."

 -Martin Luther King Jr.

About two weeks ago I realized that my sufferings were mounting. I had a nice pile of sufferings I had neatly stacked in a pile for later... but the problem arrived when more suffering came into my life. My nicely mounted pile became bigger and started falling over into all the places of my life. Yesterday was a rough day. I was so focused on the things that weren't there instead of the choice I had to make the change that would give me new hope and relief in my distress.  I knew I had pain, and loss but forgot...I get the choice to choose suffering. Suffering is a choice to ignore help, truth and hope in the midst of pain.  

Fear, is walking through darkness and forgetting that all you have to do is turn on a light.

I used to hate Christian radio. I felt like sometimes the illuminated head in the heavenly a bliss was too much cheese for me to relate to. Mostly the fill in commentary annoyed me to the point that I dismissed the whole thing. With all that took place this fall, I was forced into a land of limbo. The kids and I spent two months living with my parents. Early on I made countless commutes into town in my parents car. Healing and protection started in a little red, BMW convertible. It makes me laugh at the things God uses to heal us. For me it was running to Starbucks and getting my morning coffee, always forgetting that my cup wouldn't fit in the cup holder! It was a great little car but old enough the cup holders will fit pop cans only! So I would balance my coffee with the arm rest without spilling it all over me and the car. I had a hard time with silence and honestly just being alone. My mind would run and fear would overtake me. So early on I started listening to Christian radio and an outpouring of truth and life flooded out of the speakers into my broken heart.  It is in that little car that I realized the power of music in my life. Worship provided a light to me in the midst of great darkness. Worship is our defense to fear. We forget that fear is the worship of everything that God isn't. When we worship the One Lord in our life, we remove fear and truth really can set us free. We can see beyond the pain and replace our suffering with something better... purpose. 

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you.  In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid."

Psalm 56:3-4 

When we open our lives up to worship- we eliminate the opportunities for fear to tell us that we must suffer.  Worship may look different. It may be singing, writing, designing, painting, whatever the form when we transfer suffering as a force to create worship we trade fear for hope.

I am becoming more efficient. So what was taking me till late evening I am now looking at my clock wondering what will I do with myself the rest of the night! This began a time of self pity. LOL  I was lost in my loss of what was missing I didn't see my opportuinties and the choices I get the freedom to make and have.  I had lost my purpose. I was replacing my hurt and loss with business and loneliness and wasn't choosing purpose. In my own choice I have been choosing suffering.  

I found a folded up paper this morning that was stuck behind some things I had just stashed for a time till I could figure out where they went. It was a list of my core values of what makes me...me.  I saw creativity, worship, people... In my loss I lost sight of the very things that will heal me. Fear of loneliness over took me and I gave into it and became a victim of self imposed suffering.  

This morning I have realized that I do have a choice. I have the opportunity to use my time to do what I love for people I love. My creativity can serve as not just worship but also purpose. That the fear of void in my life is my own choice. I can fill it! I can choose worship 

and truth in the very God that promises freedom from fear and suffering. 

My nights will still be self adjustment to the changes and loss that has occurred. But instead of fearing the loneliness of my loss, I have a choice. I can create an environment of worship that will flood new hope and purpose. I can not fear asking for what I need. I can praise God for the friendships he has given me in my time of loss, instead of questioning them.  And I can use the talent he has given me to fuel something good for others as an act of worship and declaration that fear & suffering will not win. Hope will. 

Pain.

“Pain and suffering have come into your life, but remember pain, sorrow, suffering are but the kiss of Jesus - a sign that you have come so close to Him that He can kiss you." 

-Mother Teresa

I hate when I stub my toe. It is crazy pain! It is annoying pain! It makes you bite your lip because you are afraid of the words that may come out your mouth! For some reason toes are the big deal for me. Maybe it's my kid sized feet that makes the pain so much greater. When I stub my toe it lingers there causing me to hop around one footed moaning on and on till the feeling finally goes away. And I hope no one is around to see my crazy! 

Pain is apart of life. When we stop feeling pain, we stop living.

I am not very fond of exercise. I do it when I feel overly motivated or have some extra steam I need to get out but for the most part, I am not one to choose to force myself to exertion! I played tennis in college, and I don't miss the miles of running around campus. I didn't mind taking in the scenery but it was that feeling of puking and heart pounding that I really don't find enjoyable.  There is a sense of soreness that I remember from hours of tennis and running, there were times it was good pain. Pain that made me feel better, if that is even possible.  There is a stretching of your muscles that can hurt but overtime you become stronger even when it hurts.

I have seen pain expressed, 

and held in and hidden.

 I have seen pain hurt,

 and have seen it restore.

Everyone, has pain. Past or present, pain is apart of us.  This season of suffering, tends to be long for the one traveling through. 

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.  ~Kenji Miyazawa

In times of pain, happy times may seem sparse, but they are more intense. Memories are stuck and held in time longer, and little things become impressionable. Pain, stretches my heart to the point I think I just may explode! Then the tension releases it in time for me to see that even in the midst of heartache my heart isn't growing smaller and bitter, it is stretched bigger and getting stronger. Pain creates something in us that allows us to see the very strength of our Creator. He shows us what we once thought was impossible is possible. Pain can cripple us at times. It can hold us to a bed, or encompass our mental state, but it is God's truth that sets us free even in the midst of being held hostage by pain.

This week I said goodbye to a grandpa. And in the midst of all the loss I have already walked through this felt like to much. The hurt, and pain in my heart was more than I could hold in. I felt weak and felt emotionally exhausted.  I sat in my car trying to grab enough strength to walk into the funeral home to say goodbye. I asked a friend to pray for strength, because I had none. As I sat down they handed me a bulletin.  On the front it said:

 "The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength, Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with winds like eagles; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:28-31  

I smiled. God is near to me in my pain. This was His way of kissing me. Reminding me he is close. It is HIS Grace and HIS Power that is sufficient. Not mine.  His word, increased my strength. I felt His love, and His power and in the midst of more loss, and more pain. I was at my end and He gave me a new beginning.

In the midst of the pain I feel that unexplained feeling of being made stronger even at my weakest point. I have realized that truth, God's written promises are what sustains us. His word is the source of power that surges in us and allows us to move forward, to press on. It is His written word that leads us through the darkest places.  It is His very presence with us.

 "If you cut him, he'd bleed Scripture." -Charles H Spurgeon

 I am realizing how much I dismissed His word till now. Now if a verse is in front of me I am savoring it, treasuring it, because it is my lifeline through pain. It is the very medication that allows me to sustain all the hurt. It protects me so I don't trade hurt for more hurt but instead allowing the pain to actually restore and heal me. Seeing Jesus in my pain comes with seeing the many ways He is using His people to encourage me, and to love me. I have a promise he has given me through this. People have emailed me, called me and shared with me these words, and they say it the same not knowing they are speaking God's promise to me. Through their lips Christ is kissing me in my pain. His promise to me has been this. 

"God has you covered." 

This promise doesn't say, I will cover it, or I am working on it. His promise to me is that in all of this loss, pain, and hurt, God already has it covered. He is already working in my life in the darkness of the pain and he has it covered for me. All I must do is feed my pain with His truth and with the promise that He keeps saying to me. His grace and His power is sufficient for me. When I am weak. He will be strong. And as tears fall and my face is red stained with emotions, He brings His word, His truth and His promises to me. They kiss me on the cheek and remind me, I am His daughter, He loves me. His love will mend my pain. 

He has it covered.