I have been on a life long journey unsure of my own beauty. Not that I thought I was repulsive or anything, but I guess for me my self confidence and freedom to be me has been a life long struggle. It has been a pursuit or rather battle field of the mind. I battle with what people think of me a lot! Wondering if they like me or what they really are thinking of me and how I am "put together". I think as girls we probably all would admit some kind of insecurity. But for me I guess mine has gone deeper to my spiritual life. I have begun to see myself as only ashes. Ashes of sin. Day after day looking in the mirror I would see the reflection of a burnt pile of ashes. I would be reminded of my sinful nature and the humble stature that I must repent and admit my sin to God in fear of judgement. Maybe it is the message that is so often thrown our way. Repent, be saved. YA DA YADA...
Sounds pretty grey. I began to wonder why is this called the "Good News"? It doesn't feel so good. I felt so dead, and if this life was to feel abundant why did I feel so bad?
I think so often in our society we begin to focus so much on sin and judgement. We would rather debate who is right and who is wrong, That we end up forgetting the real Gospel. God is on our side. (Period.) If you are poor. God is on your side. If you are sick. He is on your side. If you are confused. He is on your side. If you are alone. He is on your side. If you are depressed. He is on your side. If you are insecure. He is on your side. If you are angry with him. He is on your side. If you are addicted to something. He is on your side. The reality of the good news is that God is on our side. He is for US. Why do we miss that? Why do we only hear the doom and gloom? Why is the message so grey? Why do we only hear sin and judgement and hell?
The good news is about trading our ashes for a crown of beauty. It is about God restoring us not him demolishing us. Why do we forget that this story is about restoration.
The reality of my life in Christ has become so real in the last week and half. The good news has been a reality lived out in a 4 year old boy who has been given a second chance at living again.
I can't tell you how enslaved I have been. How I have been reluctant to move my arms in the air in case I look silly, afraid of what would others might think! My insecurities had overtaken me. Not sure who has been given the good news. Tad or us. I think we are experiencing as a family what Christ said in John 10:10
" I came so that they may have life more abundantly."
Life is different. We are living life through the eyes of a child who is living life as if he is apart of the kingdom of heaven. He is wide eyed. Everything for him is a miracle here. Life here is a blessing just to wake up and know that his shoes are there waiting on him every morning when he awakes.
It's time stopping. Just to run outside to experience snow falling and really feeling it hit your face and feeling the cold as if you have never felt what cold feels like. And laughing, with joy, with each flake as it hits your nose because you can. He is teaching us how to really live. How silly we were to think we were going to teach him.
For me the good news is in watching him eat his first bite of ice cream, and grinning with excitement and confusion of brain freeze. You see two weeks ago Tadios was in Addis Ababa, alone. Yes he had us waiting for him but he was still 7,000 miles from us waiting, shy and not talking or interacting very much. One year ago in his three year old little life his mother, out of desperation, had to say good bye to him. Had to kiss his forehead and squeeze him one last time. I can't comprehend the heart ache for her and the devastation for Tadios. He was not only poor, alone, and lost, but he was an orphan. He was ashes.
They say that when he came to the orphanage his hair was yellow because of starvation. I don't share these details of his background lightly. They are personal. But I want you to understand where he was in his little life. At the bottom. I am sure some of us have felt like God has given up on us. Or maybe like me I am insecure at times and unsure he has enough love for me. But the essence of the good news is in the adoption story of Tadios.
We are all adopted. Tadios has a choice to accept us. He can reject me as a mom or accept me. He can deny my love and my gifts or accept them it's up to him. There are times he hates me when I am holding him body locked in bed and he is kicking and screaming and rivers of tears are flooding his bed because he does not trust I know what is best for him, I get that. That is the same with God though, I think he gets that too. He understands our immaturity. But loves us all the same.
The good news is that God is ready to wake up to do life with you. Like we are with life with Tad. God is ready to experience it with you. Tonight we did a bubble bath in my garden tub! Hilarious! We filled it to the top and warned him it would be loud! Started the jets, and he went wild! He started slapping the water or wahoo, as if it were attacking him personally, screaming like a wild man, until he realized it was making the bubbles in tub grow, then with more joy then I have ever seen in my life, he began to laugh and yell, bubbles!!!! bubbles!!! I started crying over his joy. I have never seen joy like this before. This is the good news.
Once he got out of the tub I noticed he had a cut and was bleeding I kissed his knee grabbed a box of bandaids and grabbed a blue one and fixed it up for him. With pride he ran to Daddy and showed him his knee. I told Jeremy. That bandaid, is more than a bandaid to him you know. He smiled and said, yes, " It's means he has a Mom."
Tadios finds joy in the tinish "little" things. He started this morning playing with a yellow balloon he got from Tree of Life with his favorite animal a lion on it, and as of 7pm this evening it was still in his hands. He cherishes everything.
He spent one evening with a small paper airplane and Uncle Layne flying them off our balcony over and over again, excited for another new adventure with life with his family.
Daddy to Tad is his favorite thing. He is always making sure he is in sight or nearby watching. He runs up his bunk bed ladder and down just to have Jeremy catch him and to do it all over again, and repeat for hours. He is happy. He is joyful.
My favorite thing about Tadios is that he breaks into dancing. When he gets really excited he stops everything and does a 20 second tribal dance. He has begun to break the chains that have been so tightly bound around my arms and legs. I notice that I start to dance with him. He doesn't laugh and say you are to silly Mama. Or someone might think you are stupid. He says, "GOBEZ!!" MAMA" GOBEZ! and shows me a new move to try. Each day he is breaking the chains of my insecurities and showing me a life of freedom in Christ. One not bound by what others think but one dancing in joy in front of his Savior. Why? Good. News.
Tadios, is no longer living a life of ashes. He is not starving. He is no longer on a pathway to death, he is no longer alone, he is not poor, he is not an orphan anymore. Tadios has traded his ashes for a crown of beauty and is now a Child of God. Adopted and accepted to the kingdom of heaven. We too,can live and breath and participate in his kingdom everyday if we just decide to experience it with God. Heaven is not just when we die, heaven is now. Tadios, understands this. He is living there.
Because of Tadios I am ready to trade my ashes for a crown of beauty. I am no longer going to act as if I am an abandoned rejected orphan not good enough for anyone, questioning myself and being insecure. I am going to step boldly with my son, leading me, dancing, experiencing what my Father has to give me. He has adopted me just the same. And the same joy that Tadios is experiencing is the same joy we can experience as we follow Christ. How exciting!
What new things will we all do and be apart of tomorrow! I can't wait! Life = joy. God has traded Tadios's morning for joy. This little shy boy we picked up a week and half ago is now a new creation, he is a beautiful in every way. And teaching me more about who God is, his loving restoration, acceptance and love for us all.
