Loss & Fear: What we get to choose....

"As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways in which I could respond to my situation -- either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course."

 -Martin Luther King Jr.

About two weeks ago I realized that my sufferings were mounting. I had a nice pile of sufferings I had neatly stacked in a pile for later... but the problem arrived when more suffering came into my life. My nicely mounted pile became bigger and started falling over into all the places of my life. Yesterday was a rough day. I was so focused on the things that weren't there instead of the choice I had to make the change that would give me new hope and relief in my distress.  I knew I had pain, and loss but forgot...I get the choice to choose suffering. Suffering is a choice to ignore help, truth and hope in the midst of pain.  

Fear, is walking through darkness and forgetting that all you have to do is turn on a light.

I used to hate Christian radio. I felt like sometimes the illuminated head in the heavenly a bliss was too much cheese for me to relate to. Mostly the fill in commentary annoyed me to the point that I dismissed the whole thing. With all that took place this fall, I was forced into a land of limbo. The kids and I spent two months living with my parents. Early on I made countless commutes into town in my parents car. Healing and protection started in a little red, BMW convertible. It makes me laugh at the things God uses to heal us. For me it was running to Starbucks and getting my morning coffee, always forgetting that my cup wouldn't fit in the cup holder! It was a great little car but old enough the cup holders will fit pop cans only! So I would balance my coffee with the arm rest without spilling it all over me and the car. I had a hard time with silence and honestly just being alone. My mind would run and fear would overtake me. So early on I started listening to Christian radio and an outpouring of truth and life flooded out of the speakers into my broken heart.  It is in that little car that I realized the power of music in my life. Worship provided a light to me in the midst of great darkness. Worship is our defense to fear. We forget that fear is the worship of everything that God isn't. When we worship the One Lord in our life, we remove fear and truth really can set us free. We can see beyond the pain and replace our suffering with something better... purpose. 

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you.  In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid."

Psalm 56:3-4 

When we open our lives up to worship- we eliminate the opportunities for fear to tell us that we must suffer.  Worship may look different. It may be singing, writing, designing, painting, whatever the form when we transfer suffering as a force to create worship we trade fear for hope.

I am becoming more efficient. So what was taking me till late evening I am now looking at my clock wondering what will I do with myself the rest of the night! This began a time of self pity. LOL  I was lost in my loss of what was missing I didn't see my opportuinties and the choices I get the freedom to make and have.  I had lost my purpose. I was replacing my hurt and loss with business and loneliness and wasn't choosing purpose. In my own choice I have been choosing suffering.  

I found a folded up paper this morning that was stuck behind some things I had just stashed for a time till I could figure out where they went. It was a list of my core values of what makes me...me.  I saw creativity, worship, people... In my loss I lost sight of the very things that will heal me. Fear of loneliness over took me and I gave into it and became a victim of self imposed suffering.  

This morning I have realized that I do have a choice. I have the opportunity to use my time to do what I love for people I love. My creativity can serve as not just worship but also purpose. That the fear of void in my life is my own choice. I can fill it! I can choose worship 

and truth in the very God that promises freedom from fear and suffering. 

My nights will still be self adjustment to the changes and loss that has occurred. But instead of fearing the loneliness of my loss, I have a choice. I can create an environment of worship that will flood new hope and purpose. I can not fear asking for what I need. I can praise God for the friendships he has given me in my time of loss, instead of questioning them.  And I can use the talent he has given me to fuel something good for others as an act of worship and declaration that fear & suffering will not win. Hope will. 

Pain.

“Pain and suffering have come into your life, but remember pain, sorrow, suffering are but the kiss of Jesus - a sign that you have come so close to Him that He can kiss you." 

-Mother Teresa

I hate when I stub my toe. It is crazy pain! It is annoying pain! It makes you bite your lip because you are afraid of the words that may come out your mouth! For some reason toes are the big deal for me. Maybe it's my kid sized feet that makes the pain so much greater. When I stub my toe it lingers there causing me to hop around one footed moaning on and on till the feeling finally goes away. And I hope no one is around to see my crazy! 

Pain is apart of life. When we stop feeling pain, we stop living.

I am not very fond of exercise. I do it when I feel overly motivated or have some extra steam I need to get out but for the most part, I am not one to choose to force myself to exertion! I played tennis in college, and I don't miss the miles of running around campus. I didn't mind taking in the scenery but it was that feeling of puking and heart pounding that I really don't find enjoyable.  There is a sense of soreness that I remember from hours of tennis and running, there were times it was good pain. Pain that made me feel better, if that is even possible.  There is a stretching of your muscles that can hurt but overtime you become stronger even when it hurts.

I have seen pain expressed, 

and held in and hidden.

 I have seen pain hurt,

 and have seen it restore.

Everyone, has pain. Past or present, pain is apart of us.  This season of suffering, tends to be long for the one traveling through. 

We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey.  ~Kenji Miyazawa

In times of pain, happy times may seem sparse, but they are more intense. Memories are stuck and held in time longer, and little things become impressionable. Pain, stretches my heart to the point I think I just may explode! Then the tension releases it in time for me to see that even in the midst of heartache my heart isn't growing smaller and bitter, it is stretched bigger and getting stronger. Pain creates something in us that allows us to see the very strength of our Creator. He shows us what we once thought was impossible is possible. Pain can cripple us at times. It can hold us to a bed, or encompass our mental state, but it is God's truth that sets us free even in the midst of being held hostage by pain.

This week I said goodbye to a grandpa. And in the midst of all the loss I have already walked through this felt like to much. The hurt, and pain in my heart was more than I could hold in. I felt weak and felt emotionally exhausted.  I sat in my car trying to grab enough strength to walk into the funeral home to say goodbye. I asked a friend to pray for strength, because I had none. As I sat down they handed me a bulletin.  On the front it said:

 "The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength, Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with winds like eagles; they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:28-31  

I smiled. God is near to me in my pain. This was His way of kissing me. Reminding me he is close. It is HIS Grace and HIS Power that is sufficient. Not mine.  His word, increased my strength. I felt His love, and His power and in the midst of more loss, and more pain. I was at my end and He gave me a new beginning.

In the midst of the pain I feel that unexplained feeling of being made stronger even at my weakest point. I have realized that truth, God's written promises are what sustains us. His word is the source of power that surges in us and allows us to move forward, to press on. It is His written word that leads us through the darkest places.  It is His very presence with us.

 "If you cut him, he'd bleed Scripture." -Charles H Spurgeon

 I am realizing how much I dismissed His word till now. Now if a verse is in front of me I am savoring it, treasuring it, because it is my lifeline through pain. It is the very medication that allows me to sustain all the hurt. It protects me so I don't trade hurt for more hurt but instead allowing the pain to actually restore and heal me. Seeing Jesus in my pain comes with seeing the many ways He is using His people to encourage me, and to love me. I have a promise he has given me through this. People have emailed me, called me and shared with me these words, and they say it the same not knowing they are speaking God's promise to me. Through their lips Christ is kissing me in my pain. His promise to me has been this. 

"God has you covered." 

This promise doesn't say, I will cover it, or I am working on it. His promise to me is that in all of this loss, pain, and hurt, God already has it covered. He is already working in my life in the darkness of the pain and he has it covered for me. All I must do is feed my pain with His truth and with the promise that He keeps saying to me. His grace and His power is sufficient for me. When I am weak. He will be strong. And as tears fall and my face is red stained with emotions, He brings His word, His truth and His promises to me. They kiss me on the cheek and remind me, I am His daughter, He loves me. His love will mend my pain. 

He has it covered. 

Difficulties or Discoveries.....

The challenge of single parenting hits me at various times. I laugh at the things that frazzle me. You would think it were big things. Nope, it's trash day. My trash can is impossible. It's Amy sized. It's a 5 foot awkward beast that has no way of maneuvering. I push it and it resists every move. I try pulling it and I trip over my feet and go flying. Every Friday I go and get a good look around the neighborhood checking to see if anyone is out and about, before I sacrifice myself to humiliation!  I attempt with various ways to get it down my driveway without falling, tripping or running over my heals. I have tried picking it up on one end and wobbling it... It makes a scraping sound that grabs the attention of the jogger running by.  They look at me like I have lost my mind. But every Friday when the trash can gets the end of the driveway you will see me doing a happy dance! Because YES, I have conquered the trash can yet again.  

Empowerment, the giving of an ability; enablement or permission.  There have been moments where I have felt empowered because I gave myself the permission to figure out something new and the ability to fail at it.

It started in a puddle of tears. I wish I was kidding but I am not, and I have a friend to back me up. I called her in a panic one afternoon, sobbing because I couldn't figure out how to hook up the DVD player!  I had let a little black metal box get the best of me. I sat it to the side and a few hours later walked over with the ability to give myself permission to fail and whaa-laah... I took one little cord and attached it to the TV and DVD player. The complexity of the problem was my inability to allow myself to try and fail and then try again until I got it to work. 

We have these moments a lot. There are things we are doing for the very first time that we are now seeing the freeing power behind a new challenge to conquer.

Instead of seeing moments of unfamiliar territory we are embracing them with a sense of  discovery. 

Like emptying the vacuum. Not sure why I never had this job or why in all my existence I hadn't dumped out the full tub, but I had been spared from this task! Zadyn and I looked and looked for how to release the junk inside into the trash can. He is a thinker and problem solver so this was a great game for him! As I held the vacuum tub, he pointed to the bottom. He showed me that the bottom was suppose to open up, but how? I pushed my thumb up against one side that looked like an imprint, and without hesitation in one loud pooof a cloud of dust and dirt covered poor Zadyn head to toe. We stood in shock and laughed and laughed at not only our accomplishment but our new discovery. 

It says in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

 “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Life will present us with new difficulties. Some may be big like an overbearing trash can, that seem impossible to maneuver. Others may come with a messy discovery and literally blows up in our face. But the empowering moments are when we realize that with each malfunction we are rediscovering who we are in Christ. Struggle and hardships are not just difficulties, they are discoveries that empower us to surrender our weakness so we can grow in His power. 

More than enough.

Each morning I awake with swirling questions of what has taken place in my life over the last three months.  My life has changed. There are even times that I see my reflection in the mirror and it takes me a moment to decide, "Oh yes there I am." This change has been from the inside out. The life I knew instantly stopped and a new life has begun.

There is loss. There are gains.

We wake up each day depending on things to remain the same. Each morning the sunlight wakes me up reminds me that God is again saying. "Good Morning" to his world that he has set into motion. We depend on water coming out of our shower, and the lights flicking on and off. We assume the people that make up our life will be greeting us. As I rub my eyes each morning I stumble on the same things that were laying on the floor from the day before and wonder when will I get that picked up! There may be small things out of place like your car keys, phone or your kids backpack but for the most part day after day the solid things remain.

“A person will worship something, have no doubt about that. We may think our tribute is paid in secret in the dark recesses of our hearts, but it will out. That which dominates our imaginations and our thoughts will determine our lives, and our character. Therefore, it behooves us to be careful what we worship, for what we are worshiping we are becoming.” 

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Worship I have realized sometimes comes from a place of confidence in the things that surround me. I have my loving husbands arms around my waist as I sing to God, "You are more than enough." What if it were more than your car keys that fell out of place? The root of our souls are built around relationships. Some come and some go but there are ones like marriage that are suppose to be firm and solid and unwavering. What if your very foundation falls without a choice?

God is revealing his love to me in a new way. I have always know him to be a God of choices but in the midst of this new reality I have fallen deeper in love with the very freedom he has given us. Free will. Freedom to choose. We have the freedom to do anything. Our choices can either take us on a wild journey to nowhere or set us wildly free to live out His purpose. It seems crazy that he gives us the option to choose. When committing your life in marriage to someone you assume they will indeed choose you. That they have the free will to wake up each morning loving you in return. But the other reality is that they have the freedom to choose not to.

That very thing has happened. The world I once knew now looks very different. The things I thought were solid and unmovable...moved. I don't resent free will. I embrace it.  Free will molds us and shapes us into something new with each choice. It can make us or it can also break us. He gives us a choice to write our story to paint our canvas with all kinds of choices. We can choose to embrace Him and allow him to write the story for us or we can choose to write our story ourselves. The conclusion has a dramatically different effect.

God has a perfect design. He created us and then set us free to choose his love. 

 Real surrender is when you choose God to restore you and it requires letting go of what the end result may looks like.

I can run to Him in my reckless abandonment and know that he too understands the pain from loving someone when they choose something else. He allows me to see that I can surrender my heart to his restoring power. Surrendering to God is realizing that what has been broken may be restored and appear different than it did before.

It is like a dish falling from your reach and smashing all over the floor. Millions of tiny pieces are scattered. How will He ever restore it? There are still moments I look at myself and ask, "Who am I now?" I must trust that He is picking up the pieces and how He is restoring me back to a whole. I must surrender to Him the ability that what He is forming may not look like a dish anymore.

"But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?'   Romans 9:20

 In fact what if His restoration means creating something new? What if He takes the broken pieces of a dish and decided to now form it into a beautiful vase? Not only is He restoring it into something entirely different but it also may have a brand new purpose. What was used to hold something minimal may now be used as a center piece to hold flowers that are blossoming. When we surrender to His restoration we can expect that what was once broken will be restored into something brand new.

"See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?"  Isaiah 43:19

My cousin made me laugh when he referred to himself as an individual unit, by him being single. I guess that makes me a value pack! Me +4. I am excited to see what new things he has for us.  How he is creating something new with pieces of brokenness. He is already overwhelming me with his vast love for me. His love reaches beyond all loss and pain. Even when I am sitting in the tears of my brokenness his love is being thrown at me as if to surprise me. I assumed that I would experience great loss every morning as I get up without a huge piece of me. But God's unfailing love directs me each morning....

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I lift up my soul. "
Psalm 143:8

Each morning the sunrise and all it's many colors seeps into my bedroom window and His light says "Good Morning, Amy" as it kisses my cheek. His love is more than enough for me. He shows me that I am not enough for the pain and loss I see in my kids eyes. That they too will have the choice to accept His intoxicating love. That He will be more than enough for them if they surrender to His love. That even though we didn't have a choice to how this would be, we accept restoration as He helps us as a value pack embrace something we do get to choose. How to take what was broken, and make it great.

A Beautiful Season.....

I drove into our back driveway and sat in the car facing what was once our beautiful backyard where I dreamed of Awan some day dancing with her daddy at a beautiful wedding reception with twinkle lights that would be swaying with them in the trees. As tears streamed down my face I noticed that the tire swing was swinging alone, in the wind. Only a month ago she was laughing and giggling and soaring in the air with each push from her Dad. Zadyn was inspecting his fish pond and trying to cover the fact that he really just like to get into the water with them. And Tad was riding his bike in the driveway so proud of his newest accomplishment. I was sitting at the small bistro table sipping coffee and talking with my oldest daughter.  We were a happy family, living a beautiful life together but now these are now just ghostly memories of what was.

Fall is one of my favorite seasons. Not that I just get to wear sweaters and and flip-flops at the same time, but that it is beautiful. The trees are an array of mixed color and in some sense the trees are imitating fireworks that just seem to last. There is a difference in the way the sun shines against the blue grey sky and the colors of the grass with the golden glow of the bean fields. You get a sense that the colors are highly saturated. They are so bold. The light seems to pick out what it wants to and highlights certain areas and sends it a glow. This is a beautiful season.

As I was admiring the color and light dancing across the fields as I drove Awan home from school, I realized the reality of Fall. This is the stage just before the end, where in a few weeks these trees will be left bare, for a time being. Just a few months ago these very trees were just budding out and blooming and now they are in the grand finale of their beauty, their season is almost over. We don't look at fall and winter as the end. We see that it is a stage that will soon bring new life. God allows new life to come from something bare and something that may seem lifeless. We don't agonize over the leaves lost but we instead look forward to spring when new life will begin again.  The same applies to my dreams, though they seem to have fallen and my tree may seem bare, I am promised that soon new buds will blossom and new life will begin.

A Time for Everything
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

3 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
4     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

One thing remains.

I think Awan was about 5 when I came through the living room with a huge pile of laundry and walked over her and her pink guitar. I was busy getting things done and she was sitting on the floor fully into her guitar and playing it as if she could hear sweet sweet music flowing from the broken three strings still remaining. As I was listening to what to me sounded like a twang and a squeal of this poor broken useless little guitar, she sat in full attention to her music and loved what she was creating.

Little did I realize then that this analogy three string guitar would have so much meaning to the direction my life would head in. There are things that come our way that make us feel as if our life (guitar) is broken, it only has three remaining strings and isn't worth playing anymore.

Labor Day weekend will be a defining moment for me and the four kids. It will be the weekend that the strings that we were playing and never dreamed would break, actually broke. Most of you already know what took place. There are little answers or explanations other than one simple one. What I thought had been an amazing marriage abruptly ended in Jeremy leaving with someone else.

Almost instantly I felt as if the Holy Spirit jumped into this mucky pool I was drowning in and reached his hand down and pulled me to the shore. There are time I feel that He continues to do this for me as I move from one emotion to another. The reality is that I am now a single Mom with 4 kids. How can this broken guitar be played now? Most would look at that pink guitar that my daughter had and say it was useless, that is should be disposed of and put in the trash and a brand new one be bought. That would work I suppose but isn't there beauty in creating something beautiful with something consdered broken? For me she showed me that day that beautiful things can come from broken pieces the only difference is if we see them as broken.

Each day is a new learning curve, I grab the three string guitar and pick it up and as I strum there is an awful wain that comes but if I maneuver my mind and listen closely, I begin to hear beautiful music coming from my three string guitar.

Healing will take place to our raw hearts of what has been lost. I throw myself on my bed in compete despair at times, and at others I find inner strength that I never knew I had. Yes, this is painful, the deepest hurt I have ever felt. Someone said, " It's like your arm was amputated without warning, and without anesthetic."

Though this would be the most painful thing I have experienced, God has shown me things I have never seen. He has shown me the beauty of the body of Christ. I have had phone calls with people praying for me across 1,000 of miles. I have had so many hugs, and have been told how much people love me. I am so blessed. I have an amazing family with two sets of parents that have embraced me and the kids beyond what is even imaginable. I have a Church family that sufficates me with love each week so that the pain is subdued and that I have strength for each new week. I have friends that talk for hours on the phone, and sit and get coffee with me, and let me hoover their space because I need physical presence in my life. I have a community, that loves me. I am loved, cherished, and adored by my Heavenly father. I am His. He will never leave. The power of his unfailing love has moved me beyond what I ever believed about who he is. He will always remain.

"I have chosen you and have not reject you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

Isaiah 41:9-10

This is my song that has been playing on my three string guitar:

"The Hurt & The Healer"

Why?
The question that is never far away
The healing doesn’t come from the explained
Jesus please don’t let this go in vain
You’re all I have
All that remains

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into Your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

Breathe
Sometimes I feel it’s all that I can do
Pain so deep that I can hardly move
Just keep my eyes completely fixed on You
Lord take hold and pull me through

So here I am
What’s left of me
Where glory meets my suffering

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When the hurt and the healer collide

It’s the moment when humanity
Is overcome by majesty
When grace is ushered in for good
And all our scars are understood
When mercy takes its rightful place
And all these questions fade away
When out of the weakness we must bow
And hear You say “It’s over now”

I’m alive
Even though a part of me has died
You take my heart and breathe it back to life
I’ve fallen into your arms open wide
When The hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide

Jesus come and break my fear
Awake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here

A Day Worth Waiting for......

Today has been long awaited. After 6 weeks of waking up at 3,5,and 6 am waiting for the words my heart ached to hear.... you are cleared. Morning after morning I would wake in disappointment and discouragement that this day may never come.... but it did. Today we traveled out to not see Samiah this time but to get her. To not leave her. To bring her home. Being united again you have to expect anything and I am glad we knew that babies change and we were prepared for her overwhelmed confusion! LOL She took one look at us and burst into tears... she cried and was unsure of the world changing in front of her. So often we do that ourselves don't we? God is standing there offering us a gift a new life full of amazing gifts and blessings and all we want to do is cry and scream in our extreme fear of it all. Why would this be any different for an 8 month old who's whole world and even her name is changing? She knew that today was changing her forever. She was afraid. It was okay.

She is amazing. I have dreamed of her for years and my dreams have been half than what she is. She is perfect. Tonight she has latched onto us and embraced the change in her world. She is smiling, laughing, and even (watch out Tadios...) dancing. Yes, we have another party rocker. At 8 mo she is rocking it out to our God's House Worship list and we know she is going to love life with us as a family. She is rocking and swaying to worship music and loving it. She is a masterpiece. Praying for her biological mom tonight. What a gift she has given to me. What large shoes I must fill. She must be such an amazing woman to produce such a incredible child. I will forever be greatful for her life and for her gift to our family. I pray she knows tonight that her precious package is safe and loved. That she indeed saved her little girls life. And we will do all we can to fill a portion of the shoes to be a family for her.

What some of you may not know is that God has blessed our family two fold. That not only have we been given this amazing new baby but God introduced us to an amazing young woman about three months ago. If you would have told me we would be adopting an almost 9 mo and an 19 year old at the same time I would not have believed you. But Joy, entered our life about three months ago, she is graceful, loving, and amazing and it just so happens that our family fell in love with her. Today we not only have adopted Samiah into the Rees family but also have Joy. We have entered the true meaning of Peace, Heaven and today we understand what real blessings are the ones you never expect and ones you don't deserve. We so honored and blessed to now be transitioning from a family of 5 to a family of 7. Welcome to the Rees family our two new daughters... Samiah and Joy.