Hope Rising

At every horizon, the sun rises and the sun sets.
And under every horizon God is working on things unseen.

A friend greeted my email this morning with this verse. "Call to me and I will answer you. I'll tell you marvelous and wonderful things that you could never figure out on your own." Jeremiah 33:3 ( The Message)

I can't think of a better verse to explain the journey that my family has been on now for several years. We made the decision to adopt after our daughter at the time was 2, started praying for her sister in Africa. We decided not to act in impulse and choose to pay of excess debt we had before started the adoption process. We wanted to claim this, " Owe nothing to anyone—except for your obligation to love one another." Romans 13:8

It was the summer of 2008, I sat beside my husband at the pool, soaking our feet just to stay cool. We were on vacation and I was reading the book, "Crazy Love." It was twisting my heart and pulling at my soul and doing things I had not quite expected. I began to realize that my desire for MORE, was a real and genuine desire, and that it was possible to have "Crazy Love" for my God. It was different than the relationship I had been taught growing up in the Church. It talked about me taking Christ's path, totally turning and following his desires, and not mine own. I had to get off my own path and turn around and follow him where ever he leads. So there I sat. Soaking in all that Christ had for me and wanted me to be. I felt like I had to act on it, make some significant moment that would change the way I think about my life. So I grabbed my husbands hand, and asked, "Will you jump with me?" He looked confused, and said, "Jump where?" I said into this pool as a symbol of us diving into "Crazy Love" for God in our life. He looked puzzled. He said, " Well sure I will live out "Crazy Love with you, hun, but I don't want to get wet!" Seriously? You don't want to get wet, but you are saying you want "Crazy Love?" We laugh about it now. But isn't this is our typical reaction to God working and moving in our life. We want to join the excitement and love the passion, but if it effects us negatively, then well, we aren't so Crazy after all!

This was a foreshadowing to our beginning journey with Crazy Love. We came home and made lots of changes. We limited television, not because of a legalistic ritual but we honestly craved time with our God. We quit spending money in areas we didn't have to so we could give more. And we felt God calling us to leave our beautiful safe modern home in a new housing addition to minister to a community that has real hurts and needs in in a neighborhood not considered safe. So we promptly placed our house on the market in the worst housing market in the history of reality! LOL I guess we were told several times we were Crazy! We at least had that part going right! What we weren't expecting was getting wet. My idea of Crazy Love was doing radical exceptional things for Christ, and changing lives one by one and making an enormous difference. We both got involved into intercity mission organizations, and started to fall in love with the people were were helping. Life was Crazy Good!

Then about October, the Crazy Journey took a strange and unexpected turn. I got extremely sick. I got wet. I was admitted to the hospital for a 7 day stay then surgery and then about a year of just sleeping, and on good days making it to our coach. This time has been incredibly hard. Little by little my new opportunities were limited, to nothing. Even ordinary tasks like being a wife and mother, had halted, I couldn't function. I went from Doctor to Doctor trying to see if the next one could solve the riddle. But we left many appointments in fear and in disappointment. I began to feel not so favored by God. In the mean time, our house remained unseen buy potential buyers. I felt rejected. I felt benched. I felt any opportunity I had to make a difference was taken away. My new goals were to get up before noon and not go back to bed before 4pm. I missed several months of my kids lives. They are a blur to me now. In that time Awan began to feel abandonment from me, not that I didn't love her when she would come cuddle with me. Not that I didn't kiss her and tell her I was so sorry I was sick. But she had real feelings that things were not as they should be. It hurt. her. She was getting wet. I felt my Crazy Love, move towards Crazy Anger. I was so confused. Why did this happen? I was Crazy in Love with God ready to anything.

Anything?

Anything, but get wet.

We read this week in our small group Jeremiah, crying out to God, saying "You are right, O God, and you set things right. I can't argue with that. But I do have some questions: Why do bad people have it so good?"

I was so upset that this was the treatment for Crazy Love. Sickness, and nothing with our house. But houses sold everyday near us. People happily sold their homes to build bigger homes. I was so lost. God's response back to Jeremiah has challenged me this week, " “If racing against mere men makes you tired, how will you race against horses? If you stumble and fall on open ground, what will you do in the thickets near the Jordan?" Jeremiah12:5

I am beginning to peace things together. My Crazy Love, is not just in the radical things I do for Christ, but it is the foundation to keep me strong in the midst of getting wet. God said to Jeremiah, So you are tired now? Here in a safe place, on solid ground? What happens when you are being chased buy an army and not just men? What happens when your ground shakes? What happens when you find your self in the thickets of the Jordan?

God's response to Jeremiah may sound harsh, but for me it was the reality of what our Crazy Love in Christ is all about. Obedience even when we are getting wet. His discipleship through suffering is what equals Crazy Love. We are crazy to experience hurt, pain, anguish, and yet somewhere in the midst of it find Love, Joy, and peace. That is Crazy.

So what does the horizon and the sun setting and rising have to do with all of this? It is precisely the hope we have in Christ. Not the hope that our house sells, or we get well, not the hope he will allow the wait to be over. The hope is like the Sun, every morning and every evening it is there, we see it's presence. Hope is God's presence. Not in a resolution or a circumstance but the presence through it all. My journey of Crazy Love, keeps going, every morning I see his presence still there, still with me. I call to him and he begins to whisper things so miraculous to me in my ear that I can't even begin to fathom his plan and direction.

Today I am praising God with Crazy Love. I see his love, and understand his favor on me. Because of my suffering, loss and grief while being sick for so long, he has taught me invaluable lessons. These truths will be priceless in dealing with children from another country. They will come wet with loss. A life lost, a language lost and a family lost. He has taught me how hurtful suffering is, how lost it makes us feel, and how deep it effects our soul. He has also taught me that in all of it he provides a constant truth. He is in the horizon, he is in the Sun rising and the Sun setting, he is here. His presence is in my life, whether I am angry or coming to him hurt and broken. He is there in my Crazy Love. No doctor sat with me morning after morning to hear my hurt, my pain and my loss. But God was. God never gave up on my constant prayers of saying I am tired. He said in return, " I am preparing you." The journey of Crazy Love is more about God's never ending presence in our life through the "Crazy"! Not just about what we are doing for him. This journey has challenged me to stay true to my Crazy Love, even when feeling abandoned by him. Today, now healthy and healed but his grace and his presence in my life, we finally can see some of the unseen hope rising above the horizon...

Today we found out we are officially "Paper" Pregnant! God's presence has been with us through so much pain, and hurt. He has been here during the long wait that has been pure anguish. He has been with me through season of pregnancies with my friends, not just their first but their second. Just last week, I realized how long this wait has really been, as I took my friend to a doctors appointment. She is due in a few weeks, to have a beautiful baby girl. And it dawned on me I had been waiting for this adoption through her first pregnancy. God is faithful, even in the times of us feeling like he's abandoned us.

I believe when we let our hurt and suffering enter into constant anger with God, that is when we experience "our" abandonment of God. He remains there all the time. It is us that barricades our sufferings in front of his presence and blessings. But if we reach out and jump into Crazy Love with him no matter the risk of getting wet but expecting it, it become easier to see his hope rising each day. We celebrate today, in finally being at the waiting stage in our adoption. In the next year we will bring home two beautiful children to join our family!

Our house is still for sale. God is still working under the horizon, and whispering things so marvelous to us that we don't even understand what he is doing. I know we are not alone, there are those of you reading this and you are in the midst of getting wet. You are suffering, you are waiting, you are angry, you feel lost, you feel abandoned. My heart yearns for you, I suffer with you. I pray today you will see Crazy Love as an open door to his never ending presence, and as we push our anger aside, we see his promise and his presence, when we are wet and dry with Crazy Love.

God has hope rising in the horizon for you.

He has Crazy Love for us all.

Today is the day.

It was a few months ago, we as a family took a vacation to the beach. I was in the midst of still struggling with "why's" and "why not's". We put our house up for sale two years ago this week. At a call on our hearts to move to intercity Marion to reach out to people and a community that needs love. And here we are... still here... still waiting for our house to sell.

One day I was sitting at the chilly beach, trying to feel the warmth from the sun but shield myself from the wind. I was sitting in silence asking God the why questions again. I was silently praying to myself, taking in his creation, and wondering why it so hard for me to give him over control. Awan was a ways down the beach from me, working hard on something, and looking up at me every so often yelling for me to come see. I resisted because I was consumed with my crying out to God. Finally I felt as if I had reached the end of my crying out, and decided I should see what she was so excited about.

The closer I got I could tell she was writing in the sand. And finally when I got close enough to her I read it. It was prophetic. "Today is the day." God had spoke through her to me.

Here I am sitting, waiting, and God is telling me. Today is the day. Though what I thought he had called me to has not happened yet, I must keep living out each day. He is teaching me contentment in each new day. Though the big dreams may not seem like they are opening up, he does open up a new morning a new day for me to be apart of. I can take each day apathetically. I act as if I am waiting around in the waiting room wasting time till God shows his face on my life. I forget that I can live it with a purpose and that each new morning is about something completely different than waiting.

Psalm 118:24 " This is the day that the Lord has made; Let's rejoice and be glad today. ( God's Word Translation)

We all find our selves putting life on hold. I will enjoy it when.... We have a blank. But the reality is that even if it is something God has called us to, it is Satan that tells us we must wait, instead of living out what is today.

So even though we are still waiting for our house to sell, and waiting for our referral for our adoption. We must live like, " Today is the day." so that we don't miss what God has created for us now.

What is holding you back from living out, Today?

Sterotypes.

As I search for new found freedom, a thought occurred to me last night. I tend to care to much about what people think. I think sometimes I have theses superpower brain waves that can scan someone while they are in thought and know exactly what they are thinking about me at that moment. Obviously not. So I build a whole fantasy of thoughts or expectations of what people are thinking of me which in turn binds me and keeps me slave to their so called expectations. Or mine.

During lint I felt God calling me to embrace his freedom. About three years ago I found his freedom from fear. Now he is calling me to escape from judgement, and expectations of others.

I have come to the conclusion that I allow myself to soak in stereo types. If you think about it you call it stereo for a reason. Stereo is loud. It is noise, chaos. We allow noise, and chaos to come into our minds and it drowns out any real though of reason.

My first attempt with defeating this overlying blanket of judgement of others, is to first quit putting judgement and stereo types on others. I must shut off the stereo. But how?

This may sound like a theological mess, but it gives me insight to how to be free from judgement. So often we view our Christian walk as a personal one, with Christ. And it is. But what if it was more than that? What if it was a corporate walk with all of human kind & God? So often in the Old Testament God goes to an entire nation, or a group of people. So here is my thought. What if God looks down on us as a nation? There are lots of us outdoing and out going each other. We are running the race but when was it that we looked behind us to help up our friend who has fallen down? If our church fails, but our neighboring church succeeds don't we all fail? As I see others doing amazing things in Christ, I want to be on their team. I think some of us want to say, I wish it were me. If we are are all united, then we would begin cheering on others around us and less likely to judge our neighbors for their failures. For if they are failing then so to are we.

So this is how I react now. Stereo out, and muted silence in. I see someone that is ahead of me running, I cheer from behind. I see that someone has stopped I stop with them and encourage them to run. Because it doesn't matter who finishes the race first. What matters is that we all finish the race.

In Isaiah 52:2 it says, " Shake yourself from the dust and arise; be seated, O Jerusalem; loose the bonds from your neck. O captive daughter of Zion."

The Israelites seemed to always be slave to something. And it was God's first ambition not to justify his people but to set them free. After the Israelites were released from bondage in Babylon. many stayed. That was a puzzling thought. Why do they stay? Go! You are Free! Run! But the reality of it is we all find some sense of home in bondage. Sometimes their comfort in bondage, is security, for some it is all they have known. I am willing to bet, we do the same. It seems easier to remain in whatever is keeping us slave, because at least it is consistent, or secure. With freedom, it feels like a scary journey into the unknown.

We enslave our self with all sorts of stereo, loud, thoughts that flood our mind, with expectations we assume we must live up to or live by. The fact of the matter is, we don't. Christ set us free but we are still living in bondage of stereo types. We remain comfortable staying in the boundaries we have been taught. I dare say, that freedom back to a home we have forgotten or never experience is more the adventure I am ready to see.

We can stop living in stereo.

I believe I can fly.

I was always taught as a little girl that you do not put your arms out the window while driving down the road.

As we were on our way out to my parents house yesterday, I was challenged to stop reacting out of fear. I believe we sometimes are so impulsive to first fear something that we loose any freedom in what the experience would give us.

So after the usual response to say, " Kids pull your arms inside!" I stopped.I looked back and saw the look of pure enjoyment on Awan's face. She was free. Here I was trying to put a rule on freedom. Something that allows us to feel the wind and experience a sense of "free"!

I had to fight with my always taught mind, that said, " She could loose an arm." "A car or truck might sweep past and take her arm right off." Well, that was what I have always been told. The funny thing that I am realizing that in lots of day to day things, we have place unnecessary rules. These rules are to protect us from once in a blue mood odds, that a car would actually get close enough to taking off her arm. Plus if it was that close anyway there would be more damage than that done. I think what ends up happening is we fear the improbable, and in return rob ourselves of freedom. I am learning to stop making rules out of fear, to allow myself and my kids, to experience the freedom that simply putting you arms out of the car window can provide. We need to allow ourselves to quit making these rules our of fear, they bind us and keep us from really living free.

Awan and Zadyn had the best time driving. Windows down, hair blowing, and arms in the air. They both were singing..." I believe I can fly..." I think we get to a point where we let our common sense become a default to fear and our responsibility only to protect. I think we end up telling ourselves and our kids we can't fly with freedom.

Are you flying with freedom, or grounded in fear?

Three String Guitar

I am the type of person that likes to have things so, so. I am a creative perfectionist. In fact it has taken me this long to really start a blog, because my perfection sometimes stands in the way of my ability to actually create without fear of failure.

I am that way with life too. I like being in control. I want my garage just perfect in case my neighbor running with her dog runs by. I assume she will conclude that I am neat and orderly, and yes, know that I have it together. ( I hear what you are thinking, Yes, I am sure that is what she is thinking when she is running with her dog.)

When in reality if you saw my garage today, it is a mess. And I hate it when Zadyn opens the door because my vision of perfection, is a heap of work yet to be done. I don't have it cleaned out, or figured out for that matter. So at my request the garage door stays down most of the time. I think there are a lot of us living life that way.

It was one long afternoon, of endless laundry and piles of work to be caught up on my desk. I had made about six trips up stairs to put laundry away in Awan's room. I let out a sigh of relief as I made my last trip down the stairs to hear, " Mom come here!" With dread, I took another big sigh, and strained my efforts back up the stairs to her room. She came running out so excited, grabbed me by the hand and lead me and Jeremy into her room.

In the center of the room was her small pink table for two. Chairs covered for a grand occasion, with pillow cases, blankets as tablecloths covered the small metal table, and a center piece of color rocks completed the decor. She had placed a pink Bible at one chair, and a pink devotional at the other. With a huge smile she said, "Surprise!" " A date for you and Daddy." It was perfect.

We took our places and she ran to her closet grabbed a folder. She began pulling out white pages with colorful markings and scratches of drawings on them. She looked up from the folder, and said, " They are my songs." We looked at each other, with a grin. Her little hand with chipped blue fingernail polish, wrapped around to meet, three small strings, the fourth string waving in the air as a flag of independence attached in one spot, the others gone. My first thought was what is she doing? You can't play that thing, its broken.

I began to smile, and laugh, and cry. She embrace her three string guitar, and committed her heart and sang to it. It was beautiful.

It was then that I realized that I wanted to live my life like her and her and her three string guitar. Though broken, and she obviously didn't have it all figured out, she had the only thing that mattered right. She was free. She sang from sheets of scribbles, her song. It was her guitar, broken or not, it was the only one she had, so she wanted to use it to the best she could.

We as adults lack the freedom of living out our life song on a three string guitar. We are to afraid that we haven't got it figured out. We have decided we will enjoy it once we fix it. Sometimes when we see things that are broke in our life, we first try to fix them, or at times we don't even do that, we throw it out. Or rather put the garage door down and hide from it.

There is music to be made. I have a song to sing. I must make the decision to pick up my three string guitar life, and to embrace it.

As for Zadyn he is now enjoying the fun from Mom deciding to live with our garage door up, making a journey out of the discovery of things not trying to fix them or throw them away.

Do you have a three string guitar? When was the last time you played it?

Some have asked if we are going to do an adoption blog. My answer is yes. But it is about the adoption of my life and my families life being adopted into loving, free arms of Christ, our true Abba Father.

This blog is about my three stringed guitar life, broken and not fixed. But the journey to embrace it with freedom to sing songs of everlasting praise, and the freedom only found in Christ's love.

"Return to me for I have paid the price to set you free." Isaiah 44:22