So often our measure of God's influence or power in our life is by what is happening to us. When things are working out or if a miracle occurs we know it and label it a "God thing." When we think of miracles in our western mind sets we assume it means short, relief, comfort, moving on to new things. We think of miracles as taking a desolate situation and turning it into a fantastic one over night.
When we first decided to adopt we decided not take out loans for the adoption but decided to do it the slow way and pay stuff off little by little. There was a piece of me that was just waiting for the thunder bolt miracle to happen. A huge check in the mail with my name on it! Or maybe just maybe we will put our house up for sale and it will sell the next week, because God is on our side right? So it will just sell, even in this crappy market! He is for me, so it will move, it will be a miracle for every one to see! I must proclaim that he has done a miracle in my life without selling our house super fast and giving me a lighting bolt miracle to fund our adoption.
We become arrogant with God when we assume he works in quick and spontaneous ways and that is the only way he works. We become ignorant to the real miracle that he wants us to have and accept.
I remember so many days in the last 4 years, that I would run to my bed, hide myself in the comfort of my covers and cry in the arms of my Lord. Hurt, broken, and terribly confused by his plan. Why did he ask us to move, yet 2 years and 6 months later, we have yet to sell the house? Why did my health fail, and we have to struggle as a family just to keep things going, while I went in and out of the hospital, and made our family life out of doctors visits? Why was it taking so long to pay off debt? Why had all the other houses in the area sold but ours?
I would lay in bed in agony praying for a minute miracle. That the phone would ring, and it would be our Realtor, giving us the big congrats. But it didn't happen. I would hope beyond all measure that God would just fix it all and leave me alone.
The last 4 years has by far been marked by suffering. But in the suffering I have found the biggest miracle of all. The closeness of Christ in the suffering. He was always there. Every time I would run to my bed and collapse, he was there. Even when I was angry and mad and hated him at times, he was there.
So often we hear the stories of instant miracles, but that is not the story or experience God gave me. The real miracle of this whole journey has been one of trust and dependence. The miracle is not that we will be leaving in two weeks to see our little Tad. The miracle is that God has stayed beside me for the last 4 years pushing me and teaching me to trust him with it. About 4 years ago I struggled with extreme fear. Fear of going places, doing things. Now in two weeks, I will step onto an airplane and fly clear across the world. That is a miracle. Not something that just happened but was through the power of the Holy Spirit transforming this fearful person so that I can move beyond my fears to be with him and where he wants to take me.
Even though my health comes and goes, and my body sometimes is my worst enemy, I have learned not to trust my physical self. It can do very little for me. But the Spirit working in me and the presence of God in my life is what moves me from place to place and that my health and physicality may be one of my greatest weaknesses but the real miracle is that God is stronger than I am.
The miracle we have been given, is not early court dates, and an interested buyer in our house. The real miracle that I have been given is God's presence. Not in the good times, but trusting and knowing he is there even in the muck, even when I want to reject everything he is doing in my life. Knowing he still walks hand in hand with me, through 4 years of suffering, he has given me a trust in him that is beyond any short term miracle could ever give me.
A friend texted me this verse this week. Psalm 20. It didn't surprise me to much. Because for the last 4 years he has prompted friends, and family to send me this confirmation, so thatI know he understands my heart, and the reminder that he is the miracle in my life. Not any circumstance or situation. It is by His presence alone, we have been blessed with a miracle of his Grace and Love.
I want so much to encourage everyone, suffering. That though it sucks, and though the pain feels so unbearable, the day to day dependence on his Love and understanding is the real miracle you will ever receive. Yes you might get an early court date, or your house might sell super fast. But the real gift is going through the long days with no minute miracles, but seeing the faithfulness of His presence through the crap!
Psalm 20:4- " May he grant you your heart's desire and fulfill all your plans! May we shout for joy over your salvation and in the name of our God set up our banners! May the Lord fulfill all your petitions!
Now I know that the Lord saves his anointed; he will answer him from his holy heaven with saving might of his right hand.
Some trust in chariots and some in horses but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. They collapse and fall but we rise and stand up right!
Proclaiming this for all of you today! I hope you can all be blessed with the miracle of His presence, even when things are not working out. He has foreseen our court date even before we ever decided to adopt. He understood the path he was taking me on. He knew it was more powerful for me to see his love and his presence through suffering, and agony than a one minute miracle that left me guessing what I had saw. I have an unbelievable amount of trust in him and him alone. There is no way I can take this trip to Africa in two weeks, or do any of the things he is asking me to do, and now I know that's is exactly where he wants me. Not trusting in what I can get done or do, but handing it to him and being confident that we don't trust in the momentary securities, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.
We will be leaving November 5th, two weeks today to meet Tad. This story is far from over, it is only the beginning of a new journey with Christ where he can teach me more about who he is and the adoption I have as him as my Abba Father.
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